Literary Chanteuse: Ask Doris

I am excited today to have Doris on the blog with a spot of advice, to show you just what all the fuss is about and just who Doris is. Don't be afraid, she doesn't bite and it has been proven beyond scientific fact she has no teeth, but her wit is sharp and she does tend to rip into you if you stray away from being true to yourself.

With Valentine's Day behind us and the lonely hearts club back to drinking wine from a box or perhaps, hitting the clubs again, there are still a lot of gals trying to figure out a way to keep their dignity intact and still find a man who excites them and will make them happy throughout their lives...or at least have a serious and stable relationship with! Maybe even those whose glitterific relationship has lost some of it's shine needs a bit of a boost!

Are you game? We also will be having a live interview with the Cabin Goddess, Kriss (she is also one of the head Fairies here), and a central Facebook event page where you can post questions for Doris throughout the tour, get updates and links during the tour and ask more info on the novella! Everyone in the know has been itching to see this book get everywhere and in have people join them in reading it and laughing just as hard as they did! You won't even need cream afterwards.. perhaps a glass of wine and a new boyfriend, but not any cream!

Why I wrote Close Call - A message from the Author

Hi and thanks for hosting Close Call. It’s a fun book, yet some people seem to be a bit scared when they see the word ‘vadgeventure’ on the cover. Why shouldn’t vaginas have adventures? And why do people assume it’s going to be dirty. Oh, that’s right vaginas are dirty — no they’re not!

Close Call is a heartwarming story about Jemma, a twenty-something women who doesn’t respect herself like she should. She underestimates her worth and picks up guys at bars in the hopes one will fall in love with her and they’ll live happily-ever-after, but is that realistic?

In writing this book, I hoped to connect with all women who feel less-than. There is so much pressure from TV, Internet, movies, ads and music videos (the worst of the lot when it comes to objectifying women), to value women as objects — objects that must be thin in the right places, ample in others, have perfect skin, do anything in bed, be willing to demean herself to get a man. Instead of just being angry about it, I wrote a book. Finally, someone is speaking for all the abused, downtrodden, objectified women — a vagina. And what a wise vagina she is.

We can all learn something from Doris, and maybe we can learn to listen to that voice inside us, the voice that is woman, the voice that wants the best for us. We need that voice to be louder than the voices that want us to get a brazilian, wear a bikini and twerk in public. So, women, join together in valuing yourselves and have a laugh at the same time.

Believe it or not, Close Call is a feminist text. Yes, I wrapped it in pink and put the word ‘vadgeventure’ on the cover, but at its heart it has a valuable message.

You only have to open your eyes to see the objectification of women everywhere — from twerking in music videos to the ridiculous ratio of boobs and vaginas to penises in movies. Well guess what? I’m sick of it. There’s a saying: Men are guided by their penis. Well, why can’t women be guided by the thing that is at the centre of who they are: their vagina? Your vagina doesn’t care what the latest fashion is; she doesn’t mind if you’re overweight or don’t wax, and she definitely doesn’t want you demeaning yourself to get a man who is not worth the five cents on the road you just walked past.

Doris is the woman, well vagina, who is helping me get the message across in a light-hearted, fun way. Doris is sassy, funny, and takes no crap. When Jemma finally listens to Doris, good things happen.

So don’t expect lots of erotic sex or kinkiness — this is a deceptively silly book that will make you laugh, maybe cry and certainly entertain you while hopefully enlightening you to your worth — no matter what society says you should be, only your vagina is worth listening to (your vagina being that deep inner voice that says what you don’t want to hear, but you know it’s right: he’s not right for me; I shouldn’t be sleeping with this guy just for attention; I should have stuck up for myself when that person said I was just an emotional woman; I should have said something when that guy grabbed my ass at work).

Join Jemma and Doris on their Vadgeventure: you won’t be sorry J.

Excerpt from Close Call.

Jemma left the bathroom and walked out into the main bar. Flicking her dark hair over her shoulder with one hand, she approached her friend, Erin. “Any action?” she asked.
Erin, giant silver-loop earrings peeking through her wavy auburn locks and weighing her lobes down, sipped her chocolate cocktail through a straw. “Hmm, there’s a couple of hotties over there. The blonde one’s been checking me out. What do you think?”
Jemma spotted the two twenty-somethings. “Nice. His friend is built, and you know I prefer brunettes.” The girls giggled.

Doris braced herself when they started walking. She was sick of Jemma picking up guys in bars; well, she hadn’t picked up a lot, but the five in the last six months were all losers — the kinds of guys who had their fun then never called again. What made Jemma think these guys would be any different? And Doris wasn’t fooled into thinking Jemma didn’t care; she had to listen to her swearing and crying to her friends when the guys never called back. The things vaginas had to put up with, and there was no escape!

So many times, Doris had information, after talking to the penises of these one-night stands, that Jemma could have used to make more informed decisions. Penises, Doris found, were way more honest than their owners . . . well, mostly.
“So, lovely ladies, can we buy you a drink?”
Doris cringed and heard giggling again, and then Erin spoke, “Yes, but only if you tell us your names.”

“I’m Paul, and this is Aaron.”
Jemma and Erin said, in unison, “Hi,” then turned to each other, said, “Jinx!” and laughed.
Jemma nodded once and mouthed to Erin, “Matching polo shirts.”
Erin grinned in approval.

Aaron spoke to Jemma, “What would you like to drink?”
“I’ll have a gin and tonic, thanks.”
Aaron winked at her, pulling out his wallet. Jemma noticed the fifty-dollar bills peeking over the edge.

“Coming right up, beautiful.”
Jemma melted inside, sending a rush of heat to Doris, who sighed. Here we go, she thought.
Erin’s vagina, Prudence, whispered, “Psst, Doris.”

“What is it?” asked Doris.
“I think we’ll be leaving with this one — I’m getting wet. They must look attractive, because I haven’t heard anything special come out of their mouths.”

“I know you can’t see me, but I’m rolling my eyes. When will these girls ever learn?”
“I don’t know,” said Prudence. “Men think with their penises, but women can’t hear us.” She sighed. “Oh, dear, Erin is swaying. I think she’s had too much to drink. I’ll say bye now ‘cause we’ll be out of here soon. Good luck.”

“Thanks, Prue. Might see you tomorrow after the girls get dumped.”
“Yeah, more than likely. Okay, bye.”

Viva la Vadgeventures!

Close Call: A Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure

Close Call is the first instalment of "A Doris & Jemma Vageventure" series.

Think Bridget Jones Diary and The Vagina Monologues.

Twenty-two-year-old Jemma can’t seem to get her life in order. Her track record with men stinks, she constantly worries about getting fat and ending up a spinster at thirty. And to top it off, she has to be a bridesmaid at her most-hated cousin’s wedding. She feels like her life is over, until Doris decides to help out. Who’s Doris? Doris is Jemma’s vagina and she thinks more of Jemma than her own brain does. Doris is on a mission to save Jemma from herself, but is the task too much for one vagina to handle?

TAGS: Fiction, Chick Lit, Humor, Women's Lit, Romance

© 2013 Dionne Lister Cover by Sol Pandiella-McLeod

Now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Kobo, iTunes, and Sony.

Meet Eloise March aka AKA Dionne Lister

Eloise March is a woman who laughs at her own jokes, swears way too much and breaks any new diet by lunchtime on the day she starts. She believes in women’s equality, and all equality for that matter, and hopes the things she writes touch people in a positive way, and make them think about how they can create a better society for themselves and others.

In her spare time, she enjoys living as her alter ego, Dionne Lister — a suspense and YA fantasy author who is way too embarrassed to talk about vaginas. She likes spending time as Dionne because Dionne has an awesome family, wonderful friends and a cat called Lily, oh, and she has great hair.

If you’re looking for Eloise, or any information about future books in the Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure series, you can visit Dionne’s website, where Eloise has been lucky enough to get her own page http://www.dionnelisterwriter.com. If you’re looking for a chat, you can find Ms. March on Twitter.